Enter The Dark Ages

After all was said and done I should've been whisked into counseling for the abuse, and the drugs. I think that's what hindered me. I was afraid that any counselor would make me stop using. As you can tell my life up to this point is full of "should'ves."

For the first time in my life I didn't want a relationship. I wanted to be alone, but be with my friends. To cheer me up they took me to a bar way out in the middle of nowhere. I had a blast from what I could remember. That was the first time I blacked out. The first of many, many times. It was a line I had crossed over and would never be able to go back.

I woke up in bed in my friends basement. It took me a minute to figure out where I was, but I was relieved that I was at least safe. Had a terrible hangover, but I was safe.

The blackout scared me, but at the same time I could block all of the pain, anger, shame, and resentment I was feeling from the relationship with Eric. So I began drinking more frequently on top of the using.

A guy named Nick began hanging around more closely. He asked me out, but I said no. I said I needed friends more than I needed a boyfriend. So he became a good friend. I think he hung around so closely  so that when I was ready he would be there.

I spent all of my free time partying. Went to bars and house parties. Anywhere I bumped into Eric he made sure to make me feel like garbage. He would attempt to make an ass out of me in front of my friends. Most of them just tolerated his being around. Nevertheless I allowed it to get under my skin. So what? I would just get wasted and life would be okay.

Every time I was drinking I was blacking out. I would drive drunk, not come home, drunk dial friends and relatives, and just make a general ass out of myself. I was lying to myself, but the truth is I'm an addict, and I was using to mask much deeper rooted issues. The fun part of using was dulling, and the shadow that was cast over me grew darker and more gruesome. I couldn't face myself clean. Eric had snuffed the zest out of me. I wouldn't look people in the eye, sudden movements scared me (still does), and I was fearful of people for the most part.

Nick and I hung out a lot, and even though I logically knew I shouldn't get into another relationship, but my addiction for sick relationships swayed me into another relationship. Nick was a really great person, but our whole relationship was based on using like so many others that I had been in.

I finished college and Nick and I decided to move in together in Appleton. We moved into a really nice apartment complex, I had a good job in a salon, he was a carpenter. Of course we managed to get our drug connections when we moved so then began the same thing, just in a different area. Couldn't seem to run away from myself.......