Bottoming Out?

I started dating a guy who had access to pills via his ex-girlfriend. He was much older than me, and to be completely honest I must have had my "pill goggles" on. I actually wanted a serious relationship. (Just another way to hopefully fill the emotional void.) He of course did not.

I was to the point of being completely on the edge. When I wasn't pilled out I was beyond drunk, so I didn't have to feel dope sick. And when I wasn't either I couldn't function at all. I wanted to end it all. I began messing with a few of the guns in my parents house. It would be so easy just to be gone.

I couldn't live the way I was, and I had no idea where to go, or how to change. One day I did load the .22 and put it to my temple. My dad walked in on me and grabbed the gun. Someone must have been watching over me that day. This is a big one that I still feel bad about. I made my dad cry way too many times. And my mom.

I decided to check myself into the mental health unit in Rhinelander, because I was just so afraid of what was going to happen, or not happen. They decided it wasn't a good idea that I had just quit taking Xanax, and were going to help me ween off of it.

This part of my life is a bit of a blur, I don't remember if I stayed 1, or 2 days. All I remember is making the call to Koinonia Treatment Facility and got a bed date. It was almost 2 weeks out, but I knew I needed help, and was making the decision to go on my own.

I asked my mom to  come pick me up, I couldn't handle being in the nut ward anymore. She filled my Xanax presciption and kept them under lock and key to help me ween off of them so I didn't have seizures, or have a stroke.

So I used and partied it up until the day I went to treatment. I was so ashamed that I had gotten to this point. My lease was finally up at the shop, and I had no intention of ever setting foot there again. I packed my stuff, and informed the owner I was going to treatment again. At least she wished me luck.

I packed my stuff for the treatment facility, and had no intention of telling the yahoo I was dating where I was disappearing to. My parents had a trip planned to Ireland, England, and Scotland, so they would be gone for the last half I was in treatment. Hopefully it provided them some relief that I was somewhere safe from myself. I was also going to spend my birthday in treatment. Oh well, better than being dead, even though I was pretty dead on the inside anyways.

So my brother Joe picked me up and took me to treatment. He's not one for hugs, but this time I got one. He said he just wanted me to be ok. Poor Joe had seen way too many things too. I felt beyond bad. I had let everyone down. My family, friends that really cared.

The range of emotions was crazy. Panic, sick, ashamed, guilt, and the list went on. Hopefully this place would help me, because I so desperately wanted just an average life free from all of the shit. At least there was hope, that's a start.....................

Hazardous Career Move

I continued to use while going to classes. I took my CNA exam, and passed. I soon took a job working with my mom (who's an RN) at the nursing home she's been at for many years. For a while I was doing ok at my job. I took very good care of my patients, but soon I started to get desperate. I figured out how to get into the lock boxes at work and steal narcotics.

I usually would do it when I had a few days off. Usually the nurses caught the brunt of my actions. Getting questioned, and urine tests. But it wasn't long before I was under fire and I had to take a urine test. The nuts thing about the urine test was I got canned for having a positive for marijuana, not the pills.

It wasn't long and I was missing a lot of school because of my using. It's a miracle I passed any of the classes I was taking. I was dating a guy who had a little girl. We used together, but I became very attached to his daughter. About 5 months into the relationship he began cheating on me, and started treating me like a ghost. It came without warning. I must say he was an idiot, but I was heart-broken over not being able to be around her anymore.

I decided never again would I date anyone with a young child anymore. Not only was it painful for me, but I'm sure it messed with the kid too.

I spent very little time at the salon, not only was I uncomfortable, but I'd managed to screw myself out of a lot of potential business due to my addiction. I only went to work there when it was absolutely necessary.

I was also making at least one trip to Lac Du Flambeau a day to buy drugs. When I didn't have money I took out pricey advances on my credit card, or took money from my dad's safe at the funeral home. I pawned jewlery from past relationships, including the engagment ring from my ex-fiance.

I was also dealing drugs to people from the area. I would usally pick up large quantities of pills and bring them to Eagle River. There was one guy who used to sell me quite a sizeable prescrition a couple times a month. Had I ever been pulled over and searched I would've been screwed.

One thing that always amazed me was I could almost always get pills of some kind in Flambaeu, and that so many people were on these heavy-duty narcotics long-term. I guess I sucked at lying to doctors.

At this point I had broken ties with anyone involved in NA. I wasn't going to meetings, or working anysort of program. My parents also were beyond angry for my sticky fingered habits. I don't blame them, and I still feel bad about the things I put those poor people through. At the time I could care less. As long I could get high, I would've sold them into slavery for a fix.

By the end of the school year I had managed to pass my nursing classes, but I had no intention of going back to finish. As time passed through this relapse I was becoming more hollowed out, and had very little concious about anything. I turned into everything I hated. A liar, cheat, thief, and most of all I had managed to push everyone who cared as far away as possible.

I was running out the clock on the lease in the salon, and wasn't sure what I was going to do......................