When Joe dropped me off it was the same look of hurt, fear, and disappointment, followed by one of the rare hugs I got. I walked in scared, I also had my cell phone hidden on me and what I called my kit. My kit was a case with a spoon, needle and cotton. See one of my using buddies owed me and I figured if the withdraws got too intense I would find a way. Us addicts always find a way.
So, right away I came up with the excuse that I needed to meet with my lawyer and the DA for a court case I had pending. So the retired priest that worked at Koinonia gave me a ride to the courthouse, and I spent the better part of the day getting and using. I actually did use at the treatment facility once that evening. Not even because I really wanted to, but because I was so scared of the withdraws.
I became paranoid that staff would find my kit, so I got rid of it, away from the facility. I felt extremely guilty for putting the other clients at risk. So the weekend came and so did the withdraws. I couldn't sit, stand, lay, eat, or drink anything. I was sick, my muscles and bones hurt, and I was in a constant panic attack. Saturday I was feeling so bad that I decided to take one of the bikes for a ride. I took my ATM card and a pair of expensive earrings to pawn. I needed something to ease this misery!
I rode about a mile down the road and came to a four-way stop. While at that stop a voice inside said, "Just go back." And I did. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or drinking anything, but I kept telling myself it would get easier with each passing minute, if I could just hang on one more minute it would get better. It didn't seem like it was, and I hated myself for creating this.
The following day I actually managed to sleep a little and house staff left me alone. It was Sunday. I was still feeling horrible, so I told staff I got stung by a bee, and they took me to the ER. I am really allergic, but I didn't get stung, I was simply hoping they would put something in my body to ease this crap. They pumped me full of epinephrine and Benadryl. The epinephrine made my heart feel like it was going to explode, and the benadryl didn't even touch me after all of my using. Goody. I'm not dumb by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes my actions said otherwise.
After that I went back to Koinonia, and while sitting outside having a smoke I looked up and saw a cloud that appeared to be an outstretched hand, as if it were inviting me to hold it. And I decided to. At that moment I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Whether it was my mind playing tricks on me, or what, but it really a cool moment.
At that point I settled down and became serious about my treatment. My counselor was awesome. She had me dealing with issues I never had. I had to write a letter to my mom about my use, and clidhood abuse and read it to her face to face. I had never been so scared in all of my life, but when all was said and done it was a great experience. I finally felt like I was really getting something out of treatment. There were still many challenges ahead......
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