Finally!

So my 2 weeks in treatment this time around was more beneficial than both times before put together. I was really starting to deal with my emotional pain, and beginning to honestly feel better. I had work calling me and bugging me in treatment about if I stole meds. So I finally admitted to them that I did. They referred me to the state and I lost my CNA license. No big loss, that job always got me into trouble.

I also had a theft charge I needed to deal with in the coming months. There was also the matter of my boyfriend who was currently in jail. He was coming to treatment after I got out. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. He was a bit of a control freak.

I got out of treatment, and began going to meetings again. I made an attempt to work on things with my boyfriend, but he wasn't willing to budge on certain things. The deal breaker was him losing his temper flying down the streets of Rhinelander almost killing us, then calling me every name in the book, and punching my car window.

I began hanging out with a few people I was in treatment with, and ended up isolating and dwelling on the breakup, the loss of my license, and my court case. I started to become overwhelmed. I was watching Intervention one day and got the brilliant idea to use compressed air as a drug. This I thought would be a stealth way to get high, but it made me an idiot.

I blacked out, almost like I was drunk. I did that for a few days before my parents knew something was up. And one night I decided to have "a" drink. Yeah, well, I ended up going balls to the wall and getting completely tanked.

I woke up and thought I'd actually gotten away with it. Then my parents descended upon me and whisked me to St. Mary's for detox. Then my dad said I had to stay in Koinonia after that, and I wasn't welcome home unless I was clean.

They admitted me to the hospital overnight because they couldn't get my heart rate under control. So I had the IV and the whole bit. It was the only year since I was introduced to recovery that I would be missing the Halloween dance. My parents also spoke to my sponsor, and she had nothing but kindness for me.

I had a nurse come in and talk to me about how I was too young to throw my life away. She did so in a very non-judgemental way. I sat and thought about my journey through this hell, and I finally had my moment of complete surrender. I knew, and still know that if I use one more time it equals death for me.

There was no more mind games with myself. This was it, I had to fight for my life with all of my might, and do whatever it takes to stay clean. The next day I went to Koinonia, and sat in detox overnight. My counselor came in and spoke with me the next day. She also offered nothing but her support.

It was right in front of me this whole time. The support system was there, i just needed to dive in. I tried convincing my parents to pick me up, but they insisted I stayed another night. Can't say I blamed them after everything I put them through.

So my clean date is 10/31/08. Halloween, my favorite holiday and my other birthday. I went to 6-8 meetings a week. I stayed very close to my support system, and began calling my sponsor at least three times a week. I was still a wreck, but it was a step in the right direction FINALLY!

Although I had no clue that my first year clean was going to be like a battlefield, and anything that could go wrong did..........